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Cavialover

Waiting for her wings to sprout
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I'm currently in my exams. Because this is my fourth time in a first year (university/college level, don't worry, I'm not that lost a case), I don't have to do a majority of the exams in the first semester.

During my first exam, I had noticed how the teacher kept glancing at me, suspicious about what I was doing.

I am unable to sit still, especially if I have to think, I look around, the ceiling, the windows, the door, anything to, for a little while, think about something else, so I can dig deeper for the knowledge I need.

At first, I thought this was the reason the teacher kept glaring at me, probably thinking I was trying to cheat during her exam. Another possibility is that she thought I was dreaming, only sitting there to waste her (and my) time.

However, today (more like yesterday, you know, Wednesday), during my second exam, I noticed I was whispering during my exam. Apparently, I am so badly adapted to the silence (I can't stand it, I really can't), that when the teacher threatens with a zero for whoever talks, I subconsciously whisper as low as possible. The sudden realization of my inability to actually stay quiet, opened a new possibility for the angry glaring during the first exam.

If I also mouthed the answers I was writing down to myself during the first exam, chances are the teacher thought that, not only was I trying to cheat and look at the answers of others, I had the audacity to help others cheat by (very silently) passing along my answers to the questions.

I can say with 100% accuracy that, if I indeed mouthed the answers as I wrote them down, I did not do so on purpose, but now that I'm aware, I'll try everything in my power to stop myself from doing it.

The looking around is something I won't be able to change, staring at the papers if I don't know the answer (yet) only makes me more nervous, and continuously staring at the same spot whenever I need to think, doesn't have the required effect, so I'll probably keep looking around, like I always have, so the teacher can see where I'm looking.

The mouthing, however, I need to stop. I don't know how often I do it, and which exams may or may not  have been influenced by my doing it, but if I don't want any more trouble during my exams, I need to find a way to stop it. If I don't, it will only be a matter of time before a teacher decides not to take any risks, and 'throws' me out, with a glorious zero on my report card.
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My new year's resolution this year is a bit different from my usual ones. My resolution was to start actually sharing my thoughts and/or experiences. I  know the chance that someone is reading this, is small, if not non-existed, but just the fact that I put it out there, is helping me.

I'm slowly discovering myself, finding out things people know from birth or discover when they're in their teens. I'm 21 and I'm finally finding out where my quirks come from, what I like, why I like it, what makes me tick, all things that I should have found out ages ago, but for some reason just didn't.

Some of these entries can be rather personal, I have no idea where exactly I'm going with this or even if I'll keep on doing it. For all I know, within 2 weeks, I have given up on this, but at least I'm trying, that's something to keep me hanging on.

This is just a general introduction to the purpose of this journal, and if you are reading this, maybe we'll see each other again at the next post.
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A quirk I hope I can quit by Cavialover, journal

Gathering my thoughts, Spreading them everywhere by Cavialover, journal